searching
by Moejo
Summary: very angsty Ruth/Harry episode-set post series 9 enjoy!


**Disclaimer: I own nothing-including Spooks or Ruth and Harry... I just borrowed their chat for a while for my story!**

Harry walked back towards the grid from the rooftop.

His face was etched with worry over what the implications of Albany would bring, now that he was to be investigated.

He hadn't yet seen her.

He scanned the team's desks.

No sign of her.

Everyone else, like him, was shell-shocked by the day's events. How could Lucas betray them all? _No-one could believe it._

The reality of him pointing that gun at Harry was so vivid in her mind.

Tariq witnessed her breaking down. She had run to the ladies…..vomited at the thought Harry was dead.

He was dead…_why did she say no…no to dinner again…..no to marriage._

Even Lucas knew….everyone knew.

She loved him more than she could ever say.

"Harry, why" she cried.

Her head in her hands, she cuddled her body into a foetal position on the floor.

She would never be this alone again. Grief compounded her and she sobbed with all of her heart.

Tariq laboured at the screen, re-thinking all that had happened. Beth ran to Harry and hugged him fiercely. Alec nodded towards him and Dimitri could only muster "bastard, I can't believe Lucas or John or whoever he is or was would strike the knife into us".

"You're not the only one Mr Levendis", Harry quipped.

"Anyone seen Ruth"?

_He needed to see her….needed to touch her… to tell her how much she means to him._

"Shit, Ruth, she…she took it hard Harry", Tariq muttered.

"She has locked herself in the toilet and won't believe that you're not splattered all over the pavement", Beth offered.

"Right", I'll just try to speak to her", Harry spoke as he wiped a little blood from his forehead.

He turned and walked into his office, threw his coat on the sofa and loosened his tie and top shirt button.

He slugged a little malt back in one go and made his way to the ladies.

The team were huddled around Tariq's computer; no-one could think of work….more was to come….. All knew the depth of feeling Harry had for Ruth and her him, even if she wouldn't take it further.

It was now or never, everyone knew it.

It was more than admiration…..it was love….. and love that stirred so deep, they only wished she would let go.

Harry rested his head against the ladies door….he turned the knob…locked.

Inside Ruth was still, quietly mumbling to herself… "He's gone, I love you…and you'll never know how much….why….why…Harry".

"Ruth, I'm here", he called.

"Harry….you bastard…stop playing with me…you're gone".

Such was her state of mind she believed it…. "Leave me alone". She held her hands to her head…..her barriers were down…disarmed from the hardness she had expressed of late.

Harry called out once more, "Ruth…..open the door, please open the door".

She found the coldness of the floor somewhat comforting, she lifted herself to rest her back against the wall.

Rocking herself back and forth, images flashed in her mind.

_The eerie exercise, how he had pulled Zoe to him in an embrace she wished she was party too._

_The first time he asked her to dinner on the rooftop, fingers acting like breadsticks, his endearing smile and openness._

_How he suited blue….her heart skipping as he dreamed of a journey with her._

_The moment at Havensworth…..desire in his eyes….just not enough to push her through onto the bed and fulfil their yearnings._

_After Havensworth and Ros's outburst….the softest "Hi" they shared and as she said goodnight she squeezed his arm, her touch should have emanated a thousand words._

_The look in the corridor as Jo looked on…and the moment was gone._

"Ruth, please open the door", he banged on the door.

The team didn't know what to do.

Each looked away.

Harry slid his body down the door cupping his hands around his forehead. He looked towards the team… each averted his eye.

"Please go home; you all…..go now".

Beth spoke, "Harry, will I stay with you…..or call security to break it down"?

"No, no…..thanks but no go…I will get to her", he smiled softly.

"Harry what do we do", Dimitri asked.

"You do as you normally do…come to work the next day and face it all again", Harry spoke. "It may be a while before ...before I…the enquiry into my handling of things does not afford me the opportunity to keep in contact". "Keep safe, yes". The men each nodded and Beth wiped a tear..as they left the grid that day.

Ruth had stopped rocking….she needed out of there…out of Thames House.

She opened the door….startling Harry. He fell back and she stepped over him.

"Ruth, stop Ruth, listen to me". He jumped up quickly chasing her to the pods. She felt her arm being tugged and turned abruptly raising her hand.

_Slap_.

Harry held his face but stepped closer to her, looking deep into her eyes.

She knew someone was there but her mind couldn't believe it to be him.

"Ruth, it's me…I'm here" and with that he pulled her head towards him and tightly gripped her around the waist.

The heat of his body surrounded her.

Her arms hung limp at her side. "Ruth, are you hearing me… let me take you home".

"No, you're not him…He's dead". "Leave me alone", she screamed.

She pushed him back and kneed him in the groin. Bent over she saw her escape.

Grabbing her coat and bag she left him crushed. Security was certainly awake by the time she made it out of Thames House.

Hailing a cab, she gave the address.

Harry regained himself and rang his driver, swiftly heading to Ruth's.

It took forever, his heart was sick with worry…_Ruth, please be here_.

They arrived at her house, no signs of life.

She wouldn't answer her phone. _I'm worried about you_, _where are you?_

She arrived at the house; slipping a hairpin she picked the lock.

Clambering up the stairs she opened the door. The crisp white sheets looked snug. She imagined lying there.

The rest of the team had gathered in The George for a drink, worried sick about how the team was no more. They knew Harry was weak where Ruth was concerned. _You do anything for the one you love._

She dropped her coat and slid between the sheets.

He was frantic with worry.

He had tried everywhere he could think of. She just wasn't there. _Had he pushed her over the edge?_ _He was seething at Lucas, seething at himself, seething at Ros and Mace over all that had went before. He had lost her a second time._

Why was he always so pig headed?

He needed Adam there to keep him level headed.

She moulded into position, her thoughts again turned to him.

So many times she had wished to be caught between the sheets with him.

He wanted it, she wanted it.

If only she had written the script.

_She could have written her own destiny with the only man she ever loved. _

Harry Pearce…"I love you Harry".

Tears rolled down her cheeks. Life would never be the same…

Why did he do it? She had told Lucas how Harry had asked her to marry him.

He had told her to be brave, she had given enough.

She should have been selfish and let her heart rule her head. So why then did he kill her love?

Harry had nowhere left to go._ Ruth where are you, this was killing him._

He dialled her mobile again in the hope she would answer.

Great minds think alike.

She dialled his mobile just to hear his voice on answer phone.

She would never hear him again.

She would never have him loom close to her face; touch the small of her back.

Nor feel his heart beat close to her. _It was too late._

Her phone went to answer phone mode….he left a message.

"Ruth, please tell me where you are….I…I'm alive and I love you". "Now tell me where you are, that's an order".

Her call linked to his answer phone… "Harry here….leave a message"… she anticipated him smiling.

It wasn't long before the beep went.

She hadn't left a message. The phone said she could re-record…this time she left a message.

"Harry, how much longer did we have to wait, it was up to us to do something, to give in and write our own plan". "I should have said yes…yes, yes….damn you Harry Pearce... I love you".

With that she hung up the phone and turned it off.

"I'm coming to join you Harry", she muttered into his pillow.

No need to rewrite history. She would be dragged from the Thames just like those years ago that everyone was led to believe.

His phone beeped.

Answer phone message. He dialled and retrieved the message. It was her…. "Ruth". He was lost and had no option to call Tariq with Malcolm gone.

"Tariq, I need you to trace Ruth's phone….I can't find her".

"Tariq I need it now".

"Yes Harry".

Beth, Dimitri and Alec piped up… "Well", "he can't find her…he sounded different…..worried" Tariq spoke.

_Ruth, why won't you answer me? He couldn't stop thinking about her. _

"Where are you?"

She nuzzled the pillow once more, smelling his scent. This would be the last time.

"Harry, Tariq here, you're not going to believe this, but she's …at your house". "Right, thanks… not a word to anyone Tariq". He hung up the phone.

She gathered herself together and headed downstairs. Walking into the kitchen she pulled the notepad open and began to write.

* * *

><p><em>Dear Harry,<em>

_I just need to write to you, because it's too late to tell you in person. I've been thinking over all the times we have shared. I should have let you tell me on the docks all those years ago. Those words, that something wonderful that was never said. I never had the courage to say or accept you telling me what you felt. _

_I treasure the memories we have of teams lost and friends loved. Just so you know I consider you my best friend but I love you more than a friend ever could. You lightened my life in a way I never thought possible, my heart feels empty now that I have lost you. _

_We never got to put our feelings into action, embracing the spirit of romance or atlanticism on the grand tour. There's something I need to say now. I love you Harry Pearce and I'm not afraid anymore of everyone knowing. My heart like yours will soon stop beating in my chest, but I'm coming to be with you. Wait for me._

_All my love_

_Ruth x_

* * *

><p>The traffic was manic and true to form every red light was stopping his path from getting near to her. "Come on, come on" he uttered.<p>

She left the house just as she found it; the bed made, door closed but the letter on the sideboard. She walked along the street, as the coldness of the night drew in. Walking eased her mind. She resounded herself that she couldn't be without him.

He arrived home to darkness…checking each room….she wasn't here. He threw himself down at the kitchen table and buried his head in his hands. Enough was enough.

She arrived at the docks surveying the scene. Thames 1 was moored up…memories. "You alright love?" a tempered sailor offered.

"Yes, yes….do you remember me?"

"Sorry love, no?"

"You took me to Cyprus years ago, are you heading out again?" she enquired.

"Aye, in a couple of hours".

"Can you take me out, for old times sake….just need to be on the water, you know".

"No sweetheart, don't do those jobs anymore", true enough, his words were.

"Sure you can make me your last tripper", she urged. _In more ways than one._

Harry opened his eyes…his heart ached for her.

Getting up to search again, his eye caught sight of the notepad.

He read the letter, his heart sank…. "She can't".

Tears rolled down his face.

He re-read the letter looking for clues; she talked of the team…the grid? The docks?

He called Alec and explained how he couldn't find her. Alec sensed his grief, his fear.

He too adored Ruth.

This can't be happening_… Harry's mind swirled with images of her. _

_Her soft facial features, that beautiful smile and her luscious lips. The way her hair glistened and sometimes covered her dimples up. The way she touched his hand, his arm and how he longed to hold her in his arms, each and every time she was near him. It was no longer possible not to show how he felt. He had come to search her out and tell her so- enquiry or no enquiry he wasn't prepared to lose her._

Ruth grinned cheekily to the sailor and he reluctantly let her aboard.

T minus 2 hours till she approximated she would be with Harry once again.

The team shot to the grid….she was nowhere to be found.

"Harry, not a trace of her"… "I'm sure she'll be ok" Dimitri offered as Beth slapped his arm.

"Right", Harry hung up.

He continued to head to the docks…..it was his last hope.

She couldn't leave him again. He ran a red light….this was not his day. The police were on the ball and pulled him over. Flashing his ID they reluctantly let him go, given he was on a mission of national security and no-one was injured. He was to report at the station in the morning.

"You alright love; you seem to be miles away?" the sailor enquired.

"Yes fine thanks".

"Are we ready for the off?"

Harry dumped the car and scanned the docks. The only lights he could see were on a trawler.

Making his way there, he shouted to the lone figure on board to try and get his attention.

"Hello mate…any sign of a brunette?"

"Many a brunette at number 47 old boy, if you know what I mean". "Looking for someone in particular?"

"Sorry I'm Harry, I'm looking for my good lady, and this is a familiar spot for us…..I had to say goodbye to her once here, and I'm not prepared to do so again". "You're my last hope".

Ruth crouched into a ball….. She heard the voice, believing her mind was playing tricks again. She wished the time would pass quicker…until she was with him.

Harry's heart was aching….. "Thanks for your time then….you take care then".

"Right you are I'll keep an eye out…..for the brunette….are you staying put for a while just in case?" he hollered back to Harry.

Harry stared out to sea…..as the sailor let loose and set off. Ruth rocked with the motion of the vessel, this was it, and she sat up and made her way out on the deck area. Holding onto the side she looked all around…averting the sailor's gaze and jumped over.

_A solid splash spoke volumes. _

Harry could himself see the ripples and clearly the sailor loomed around looking for Ruth…Nothing.

He dropped anchor switched off the engine and called for help.

Harry was on his feet…..looking out to the vessel.

The sailor jumped in at the rippled effect on the water, he went under, searching, grasping out….nothing…..again he tried.

Harry certain something was amiss dialled for help.

_Ruth was sinking, eyes open reluctant to breathe….she believed she would be with Harry, no more effort; no more hurt….sinking further into oblivion and unconsciousness._

Finally the sailor grasped a coat edge and tugged her up.

Harry dived in, fearing the worst.

_Little did he know? _

Exhausted he reached the sailor… his heart if any beats left was shook to its core.

It was Ruth, she was…..

_He couldn't say it._

They pulled her onto the deck, each frantically trying to revive her. A thump to the chest…..compressions and breaths thrust at her and water escaped her mouth.

Eventually she drew breath and she was alive.

Harry pulled her to him, slapping her across the face gently… "Ruth, it's me, it's bloody me".

_All she could do was squeeze his hand and hold on…hold onto him forever._


End file.
